People of all ages will go through life having to deal with others who will constantly be putting them down. It’s all just part of life and can be a very emotional experience for some. Sometimes, those closest to you are the ones who’s doing it and you will be very hurt and feel betrayed. I’ll be lying if I say I haven’t met these people, because I have many times. What you need to do is take action, now don’t go Rambo on them, what I mean is learn how to change the way you think. It’s all psychological, and if you can control it, you will win.
Understand…
There’s a fine line between criticizing someone and putting someone down. If you don’t like the Macaroni and Cheese I made because it lack butter, that’s fine. If you don’t like it because I’m too incompetent to realize that it’s lacking butter, you just crossed that line. A caring and confident person does not put you down, they will provide you with constructive criticism but does not put you down and this tells you a lot about that person. It does hurt when someone says things that can lessen what you are as a person or what you have done for them, just to make them feel better.
Think higher…
Ever wonder why they put you down? Be assured that it’s not you, it’s them. The way they are can be a result of many things. They are unhappy with their life, they’re bitter, they’re lonely, and they lack confidence in themselves so they will feel the need to take you down in order to strengthen their position in life.
Some will say that you’re just being sensitive and taking things too seriously. Ever heard when people say that if you’re being told of something so many times, you’ll start to believe it? What if that person you care about is the one who’s constantly telling you that you’re incompetent? You can do one of two things, brush it off and let them keep doing it. Or, you can react and tell them what needs to change and be proud.
Dealing with it…
Sticks and stones may break my bone and you know the rest. Don’t let their words infect you, they feed off of your response. As soon as they don’t get any response, they will back off. Don’t response with anger or comebacks because you will sink to their level and that’s exactly what they want.
Confront the person in a calm manner and lay it all out to them. They may not even know that they’re putting you down so this is the first thing you should do. Most of the times if they’re close to you, they will realize what they’ve done and will never cross that line again. Always remember that these are people who has their own problems in life and need to work it out themselves so it’s not you, it’s them.
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I like the distinction between a criticism and a put down. Never thought about it this way. Coping with criticism is hard enough, mind.
Depends on the person, at home my wife puts me down many times but, I don’t mind. If someone I don’t care puts me down for nothing wrongdoing, I get pissed off. I am very reactive and revengeful, I need work on that I guess
Great post, it can be so hard to remember especially when it’s someone close to you. My ex used to do this constantly, I noticed that gradually as time went on I started responding to him just like he was treating me. Not healthy!
I am an in your face type of girl, so if someone is putting me down and I sense it (I normally dont notice) I ask them about it right away. Usually its either a quick convo to get things resolved or a longer one where I walk away confused.
I love your point that it’s usually not you. My wife has a coworker who constantly puts everyone down. She’s a very overweight woman who drinks early and often. Clearly, she has her own demons that she’s fighting and taking it out on everyone around her.
Wow… what a difficult topic. It sounds like you’ve matured past my normal instinct! It involves my car and speed bumps :0
Online it can be so hard to see the difference between constructive criticism and rancorous trolls. With everything being written in tiny comment boxes or short emails I know it has been hard for me at times to distinguish the intentions behind each comment.
I’ve worked very hard (and continue to do so) to keep the negative people out of my life. Less drama and happy positive people around me. 🙂
I had quite the childhood when it came to bullies and being put down. As a child I didn’t know how to handle it. It took me many years in my adult life to build up some confidence and realize that it wasn’t about me. People that are bullies have their own issues that they need to deal with and that you have nothing to do with them. This is hard to swallow sometimes but I have gotten much better at it. I am pretty great person. I think….
Like Jen said, I also work hard to keep negative people out of my life. Putting people down is probably one of my biggest pet peeves. I look at someone much differently after I see them do this to anyone.
very true, especially when they’re your friends, you will have this kind of shield up whenever you’re around them now.
I learned to ignore those people who try to build their self-worth at the expense of others. Usually they have issues of their own, and the way they are dealing with these issues is putting down others. I understand them but I don’t respect them. They are not worth my time. I took me a long time to get that attitude but I am glad I did. 😉
Yeah and that’s the right kind of attitude against these people. Just show that you don’t care and you will win.
Can’t say that I have had a problem with this since childhood. If I see bullying going on I usually ask the person to stop. Depends on the situation, if it appears that it could become physical or there are signs that it has I call the Police.
Bullying can damage a person mentally so yeah, it’s best to do whatever you can to stop it from keep hapening
I had a lot of trouble with this as a kid, but really haven’t had any in adulthood. I think it’s mostly because I just don’t associate with people who rely on this sort of behaviour.
I am around a group of women who are toothless, uneducated, some retarded, others just angry. They are not friends, just people that I see about once a week in a group at a church. They are angry/jealous because I am well-educated. Most never finished hs and none have attended college much less have three university degrees. They have cut me out of the group, like I really cared. One spread lies about me.
For instance, she said I was chasing her, trying to beat her up. I am not of that mind and cannot run because of back and knee injury. I noticed that when I sat with a man they know, an educated man, a published author and drop dead gorgeous, they were all so sad and silent. They wanted him to sit at their table and eat.
So, now I just bring an exbf to this dinner, sit with same author, bring all men friends I have, one at a time. They quit harassing me because they see I am no longer affected or isolated. Plus, in their eyes I can find something they cannot–a man. They are all lonely. It was all about them, not me.
Well, I never was isolated; they just tried to isolate me once a week. It has all been so dumb. Their insecurities are what made them pick me as a target. It really bothered me at first. When I figured out how to silence them, I felt bad. But, it works for that few hours. By the way, I told the guys who went with me what was happening, so I was not using them to make these women jealous. Okay, yes I was, but the guys are friends and in on it.
I was never bullied in school as a child and only for a short time when I first went to college. So, these criticisms and putdowns were puzzling to me.
I could not confront these women because I would look like the bully. Usually, and with women who were my peers, I would confront them in a nice way, but firmly. However, my peers are not catty, insulting, and insecure. Well, almost never. And, they are not gang bullies.